When I looked up from prayer at church today, I noticed three schoolchildren in front of one of the statues of Jesus. This church is known for miracles, and people tend to touch the statue (at the least) as a way of tapping on God - like Hindus ring the bell at a temple to call out their presence to the deity. I thought it was rather sweet as these kids seemed awed by the statue - I dont feel anything for statues - and then the boy walked off and then one of the girls (they must have been 10?) lifted the garland from off the statue and after a moment's hesitation, put it in their bag!! I am sure I wasn't the only one who saw it but it really cracked me up. I have no idea what they were thinking. It reminds me of something: I light a candle at church sometimes when I feel in a celebratory mood, just out of love; I dislike Thursdays because people regard it as "divine" at this church and it literally turns into a museum with lines to approach the statue and although the candles are free on that day, you can't keep them lit on the stand but have to give it in to two women who immediately douse the flame!! Man how your heart sinks at the sight, even though I know it's just symbolic and out of my pleasure. It's kind of funny the things we do to catch God's attention; and also sometimes it makes me sad to see people crying out of frustration. I thought about this for a bit, and I think things have their own cycle, like the seasons; also, if we could make everything happen as soon as we thought of it the world would have been annihilated at its very creation.

THEN. Walking back home, my salwar (pants worn under a kurta tied with a string) came undone and slipped to mid-hip. I thought I was going to go nuts, it's one of my nightmares. It was a brightly lit 5 pm, there was a slum on one side, so lots of people looking around, on the other side a line of parked lorries. I slipped between a lorry and a wall and tried to tie it but sensed amused males approaching so I walked back on the road with my most serious face on and my hands pinning the salwar to my hips. Of course every male around was staring, and I thought if I made it to my colony I could duck into an elevator and tie the string while it went to the topmost floor before continuing on the remaining ten-minute walk to my building BUT that was yet another five minutes away. I was rapidly losing control and when the salwar drops, it just drops, all the struggle before and after is immaterial. So I turned into a petrol bunk and of course there were another 12 men hanging in a bunch.
Me: (schoolteacher face on): I'd like to use the bathroom
Men: Bathroom is not working
Me (hm. so it's either a pigsty or doesnt have a door): That's ok. I just want it for two minutes, that's all.
*STARE
 One guy thankfully found the keys and opened it (crappy pot, sink full of dishes from the last century, men!) and seeing I was still determined, let me in while waiting at a discreet distance for a definite distress call. I shut my eyes, shut my nose, tied that string and emerged a new, empowered woman. One down for the salwar demons, and that too on male territory. No wonder men in Kerala wear belts on their lungis.

My phone company is driving me up the wall. They haven't generated the bill for last month yet so I haven't been able to pay it, despite several calls from me asking for the damn bill. Talk about role reversal. The spin-off is that last month's bill has compounded with this month's phone usage so of course the credit limit has been exceeded and a minion called me today to say I have to pay Rs 1500 just to be able to use my phone!! wtf. I hate how companies harass customers. I'm super pissed because my broadband bill from the same phone company reveals that someone has been making calls from the landline that I have to pay for. So I have to create an account on the phone company's website to see what the numbers dialled are, and of course the damn registration page won't submit because a dropdown box is malfunctioning.

There's service charge, there's sales tax, there's added services, there's a million idiots at the phone lines of this faceless company so each time you call because your basic facilities aren't working you have to explain everything again and they won't be able to solve your problem anyway so you have to mail the rascals and at the end of it, when they finally send you to an early grave, there'll still be something pending.

Everyone's got someone they shouldn't like - cousins, family members, best friend's SOs, you name it. My cousin wanted to marry my dad when she was 3 because she wanted the wedding cake. The strangest thing about like is that it's so easy to mistake a connection as something more. The sky above me is still blue but I'm starting to wonder if I've drawn it in tight around the edges to keep the colour right. I'm not sure about what I want, and I'm wondering why it's taking so long to get it. There's a difference about being open to something and doing it yourself - it struck me yesterday when I had a really nice conversation with someone on a train but didn't exchange contact information when I got off. I know that's strange because theoretically I'd do it, but my hesitation about kooks needs a more stable background than a pleasant journey.

Theoretically I'd join my friend saving turtle eggs for free food and stay in the great unknown, but in reality, it freaks me out to not have a source of money for emergencies. There aren't many guys I'd consider getting serious with - and one of the two just got married. I barely got to know him so I only feel a slight twinge when I remember, and I'm really really happy for him and his beautiful wife. The other guy I know won't happen because he loves the thrill of the chase and has a lot of growing up to do. C'est la vie!

So I have a plan. Pay off my college loan, buy a return trip ticket, call up that friend and go save the planet for free food and lodging for three months - or it's equivalent. I was so free-spirited growing up, ready for anything, it was a real shock realising it's largely a mental freedom now. Part of growing up is learning how to play it safe, blend with people and look after yourself - but only so you have a better chance of grounding your dreams. I walk with my eyes down, headphones in my ears, in an oasis where I know everyone and the temperature's just right. I'll still have to steer clear of the shadow world of trolls on midnight lonely streets and having no magic coins to get across the wishing stream, but it's time to open up again and let the sky in.